Getting Over It.

In short version news, attempt no. 73 at learning to stop biting my nails is going pretty well and my new job is awesome.

In long version, I've been thinking and evaluating a lot lately.  I have two issues I've been dealing with and one of them I've sort of figured out and the other is just probably going to stick around for awhile.  The latter is just that I'm lonely and I apparently became a coward at some point.  I've been working on psyching myself up to making a move in a direction for a few weeks and no amount of support and logic seems to be enough to push me in that direction.  So, I think things are going to stay that way for awhile.  Maybe resigning myself to such a thing will irritate me enough that I'll break the pattern.

I've also been struggling with authority lately.  The sentence "Power does not equate knowledge and experience." comes to mind.  The overarching theme of that particular thought has plagued me for most of my life.  I'm always finding myself in situations where I think, why on earth are you in charge of this nonsense and did you even think before you started doling out orders that make no sense?  Normally, I'm pretty complacent in situations such as these just as long the person in question is nice or personable.  When you start making decisions that hurt or upset me or others, I pretty much fly off the handle internally. 

I've been stuck in this situation for the past two weeks and it's been making me miserable.  My friends have helped by allowing me to hash things out and stress and I didn't have to worry about rumours getting thrown about as a result.  Trust me, adding that to my already visible disdain would be the opposite of helpful.  The other bit that helped is me finally centering on the fact that knowledge and experience does not equate power.  We've all had those moments where we look at what's going on and say, "I could do this better.  My ideas make more sense," but the thing of it is that that's not what gets you in a position where you're in charge.  So, in this situation, I have two options: either get willing to play the local politics or shut up and deal with it.  Guess which option I'm going with...

Cleaning 2010

I clean often.  I clean when I'm angry.  I clean when I'm bored.  I clean when people are coming over.  I clean when I'm stressed.  Once a year, however, I clean because it's what I need to do to survive the coming year...also because I am rarely bored, angry, or stressed during the Summer and my living space has likely hit an interesting stage of disarray.  Anyway, it so happened that this evening was when my internal clock went off and I cleaned as though my life depended on it.  This time I feel like detailing it...because now I'm bored and everything's already clean.  I...

• swept the floor.
• fought with the dustpan for a good ten minutes before using a piece of paper to pick up the floor debris.
• swept the rest of the floor debris out into the hallway.
• swore at the bugs that managed to get into my house because they're wrecking all my fruit.
• got some pictures printed and put them into a collage frame on the wall as I was recently told my walls are too bare.  :P
• got it in my head that I would finally clean my car.
• wasted through half a can of green works wipes cleaning the windshield and dash.
• bought some armour all wipes because the others left streaks all over my windshield.
• took my car to a car wash.
• noticed that the car wash did nothing to clean the outside of my windshield.
• luckily, have armour all wipes!  
• cleaned the outside windshield with armour all wipes.
• decided to clean out my trunk.
• organized all of the fireworks.
• restocked the first aid kit.
• recalled where I got all the orange cones from and wondered why I did that.
• threw out all the trash in the trunk.
• took all the stuff in the trunk from three moves ago into the apartment.
• decided to machine wash all of my camping gear.
• threw the fabric chair and indian blanket in the washer with some random clothes I found in the trunk.
• looked up instructions on the internet for cleaning a sleeping bag.
• thought about doing the dishes, but thought better on it.
• cleaned the bathroom sink.
• put all the dirty clothes in the basket in my closet.
• organized my shoes.
• fabreezed EVERYTHING.
• started to do the dishes.
• realized that I still don't have hot water in my kitchen.
• dragged a couple large buckets of hot water from my bathroom into the kitchen.
• ignored the dishes for awhile because that water was scalding hot.
• put the previous load in the dryer and wrestled my sleeping bag into the washer.
• vacuumed the rug.
• picked at the rug.
• lint roller-ed the rug.
• tried to vacuum the couch.
• picked at the couch.
• wondered where all this straw-substance came from.
• panicked when the washer started spazzing out and went into the laundry room to hug it in order to keep it from tremoring during the rest of the spin cycle.
• lint roller-ed the couch.  
• fought with the couch cover.
• nailed the couch cover in place.
• noticed that, for some reason, my sink still smells like bad milk.
• cleaned the sink.
• poured lots of water down the sink.
• poured soap down the sink.
• poured vinegar down the sink.
• bought some drano and poured that down the sink.
• tore out the contact paper under the sink.
• cleaned the cabinet under the sink vigorously on the off chance that that's where the smell's coming from.
• replaced the contact paper under the sink.
• fabreezed the contact paper under the sink.
• swore angrily at the sink.
• in a fit of rage, poured an odd concoction of hand sanitizer, fabreeze, lemon juice, and baking soda down the sink.  
• ignored the sink.
• put the sleeping bag in the dryer.  
• tried, in vain, to close the window again.  Why not?
• cleaned out the fridge.
• threw out the fruit that the stupid bugs ruined.
• contemplated bacon.
• realized that making bacon means contending with the sink again.
• ate a piece of string cheese.
• watered the plants.
• fed Ralph.
• had the living daylights scared out of me after coming face to face with a neighborhood cat that had been standing outside my window watching me clean.  
• more fabreeze.  This time the kind for the air.  They're different, you see.
• found a medical bracelet stuck to the wall and wondered why I made that decision.
• wondered if fabreeze could be bad for a person at some point.
• ran out of things to clean.
• wrote this ridiculous thing while waiting to take the sleeping bag out of the dryer.

Yeah.  I may or may not need a life.  N'night!

Letters to a Faceless Audience - Part II

1: Zut tu d'avoir été si irrésistible et si loin de moi.

2: Zut tu d'être si merveilleux et si près de moi.

3: Dans une autre vie, peut-être.

4: Je crains que je n'ai pas dit félicitations correctement; je le pense vraiment et je tu souhaites tout le meilleur.

5: Tu, monsieur, es le meilleur ami que j'ai jamais eu. Je ne peux même pas commencer à imaginer le reste de ma vie sans toi.

1: Tu es une dépendance assez difficile à franchir et je ne voudrais pas avoir une autre façon.

6: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

4: Nous aurons gâteau.

2: Est-il si difficile de comprendre que je préférerais tu heureuse, plutôt que de tu appartene à moi?

1: Qu'est ce que tu jusqu'à l'été prochain, hein? ^-~

My Life...According to Andrew Bird

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 10 people you like and include me (presuming I'm someone you like). You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist: Andrew Bird (And sometimes his Bowl of Fire.)

Are you a male or female:
A Woman's Life and Love

Describe yourself:
How Indiscreet

How do you feel:
Yawny at the Apocalypse

Describe where you currently live:
Way Out West

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Glasgow Reel

Your best friend?
Ethiobirds

You and your best friend are:
Heretics

What's the weather like?
Weather Systems

Favorite time of day:
11:11

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left

Your relationship:
Pathetique

What is life to you:
Action/Adventure

Your fear:
Lull

What is the best advice you have to give:
Armchairs

Thought for the Day:
Opposite Day

How I would like to die:
Fatal Flower Garden

My soul's present condition:
50 Pieces

My motto:
Grinnin'

When I Grow Up...

...and if.

So, with the Jacoby competition looming, I was asked, about a week ago, for a program interview, "What are you going to do after college?"

What?

Let me address the nature of this question real quickly... When did the question change from "what do you want to do" to "what are you going to do"? Honestly. How could I possibly know? This question keeps coming up as of late and everytime I resist the urge to say, "I plan on floundering about for awhile, wandering the country, and learning how to cope with life without my support structure of friends I've garnered over the past six years and I plan on doing this all while trying to scrape up a job that will afford me enough income to survive, whatever that may be."

Yeah. That's right. I don't have a clue.

The idea of always having a set plan for the future kind of irks me. More so now that I am nearing the end of my education degree. Yes, it's nice to have it in your mind that you're going places, but at the sake of sanity? When I was preparing for my high school graduation, I was bombarded with questions of where I would attend college, what I would learn there, what my career path was, and the like. It was ridiculous because I had no idea. I applied to so many different colleges and for so many different programs. I wanted to be an opera singer, a chef, a lawyer, a writer, a computer technician, a set designer, a teacher, and several things in between. I changed my major four times when I got to this university and I'm still not certain I picked the perfect one. How can we expect younger students to have a life plan when so few of the upcoming graduating class have one of their own?

That being said, I've developed a theory that it's more important to set small life goals that will inevitably make you a better person. You know, things that make you happy. They're easier to define, easier to attain, and less likely to uproot your entire life when they must change.

When I grow up, I want to grow fresh herbs in a garden outside my house. I want to cook a good meal for dinner at least once a week. I want to write something every weekend. I want to go see live music as often as I can. I want to read all the books my father has told me I should. I want to take time to sing every day. I want to have a career that doesn't make me hate myself. I want to keep my home clean. I want to be married, but mostly for the sake of throwing a huge party; sharing a life with someone doesn't require marriage. I want to do karaoke every now and again. I want to adopt a kid...when I'm ready to support a kid. I want to garner a collection of fantastic recipes that rival those of my parents and grandparents to pass down the line. I want to drink more water. I want to audition for things even if I am frightened. I want to have a nice car. I want to have an impact, no matter how small, on someone.

Well, there it is. I don't know what else to say about this barrage of thoughts that attacked my brain. I guess I've just been all sorts of contemplative as of late.

Jacoby went extremely well, by the way. I'll post a recording as soon as I get it for those of you who missed the concert.

A bientôt!

Mixing Genres

Il semble que le mal ne cesse de mélange avec la bonne dernièrement. J'ai eu une magnifique soirée au sujet de joie qui vient de me suffit de faire face avec le reste de la semaine. Puis, j'ai entendu dire que je d'essayer été très difficile d'être gentil a quelqu'un était de parler de moi derrière mon dos. Vous savez, dans les pas belle façon manière. Je ne sais pas. Pourquoi feriez-vous que quelqu'un qui essaie d'être un ami? Sérieusement?

Compte tenu de mon histoire, quand j'étais beaucoup plus jeune et au cours des dernières années, je sais pourquoi je m'attarderai sur ce point. Je suis une personne auto-conscient. Je déteste que sur moi-même, mais c'est juste la vérité. Mon mécanisme d'adaptation de ces dernières années a été avoir un peu plus de personnalité à de satisfaire tout le monde et j'ai constamment me rappeler que ne tout le monde comme moi. Il est difficile de le faire, cependant. Je suis un peu déçu, mais je vais dormir et de porter un sourire dans la matinée.