Getting Over It.

In short version news, attempt no. 73 at learning to stop biting my nails is going pretty well and my new job is awesome.

In long version, I've been thinking and evaluating a lot lately.  I have two issues I've been dealing with and one of them I've sort of figured out and the other is just probably going to stick around for awhile.  The latter is just that I'm lonely and I apparently became a coward at some point.  I've been working on psyching myself up to making a move in a direction for a few weeks and no amount of support and logic seems to be enough to push me in that direction.  So, I think things are going to stay that way for awhile.  Maybe resigning myself to such a thing will irritate me enough that I'll break the pattern.

I've also been struggling with authority lately.  The sentence "Power does not equate knowledge and experience." comes to mind.  The overarching theme of that particular thought has plagued me for most of my life.  I'm always finding myself in situations where I think, why on earth are you in charge of this nonsense and did you even think before you started doling out orders that make no sense?  Normally, I'm pretty complacent in situations such as these just as long the person in question is nice or personable.  When you start making decisions that hurt or upset me or others, I pretty much fly off the handle internally. 

I've been stuck in this situation for the past two weeks and it's been making me miserable.  My friends have helped by allowing me to hash things out and stress and I didn't have to worry about rumours getting thrown about as a result.  Trust me, adding that to my already visible disdain would be the opposite of helpful.  The other bit that helped is me finally centering on the fact that knowledge and experience does not equate power.  We've all had those moments where we look at what's going on and say, "I could do this better.  My ideas make more sense," but the thing of it is that that's not what gets you in a position where you're in charge.  So, in this situation, I have two options: either get willing to play the local politics or shut up and deal with it.  Guess which option I'm going with...

The Plan.

As I take a break from piano to consume entirely too much Chinese food, I formulate a plan for the next week...

I will practice piano untill 1:00 this evening/morning. I have prepared myself to fail, so passing will be a lovely surprise on the slim that it happens.

On Tuesday, after proficiency, I will calm my tears and work my poor brain to the brush to finish the things I have been putting off in order to keep up with piano. Then I will work. After work, I will either require a celebratory or consolatory drink.

Wednesday I work again, but today is the day I finish and turn in all my assignments...if it kills me. Yep.

Thursday I will go to coffee. ^-^
...
Thursday evening I will provide Carrie and Daniel with required gossip and hopefully wander out the Library with friends.

Friday I will work a great deal. I will also pack...like no tomorrow. At some point we will have brisket and I will hang out with friends again.

Saturday I leave for Prague.

This is the plan. I shall not deviate from the plan. Deviating from the plan will breed fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death...oh hell. >.<