02 June 2011

Imposing wall of calm...of doom.

I've hit some sort of wall of karmic calm and I'm not certain what to do with it.  My life, for the most part, has been an insane sort of adventure with up and downs, turbulent brushes with death, really wonderful opportunities, and my favorite times when I'm able to just sit in a room with a few close friends and be.  Yeah.  Life has been pretty satisfactory on a whole despite or because of everything that happens to me, but it's never been calm.  Not once. 

Over all, I'm just not a calm person and a calm life doesn't suit me.  In fact, that is why I treasure the times when I can relax with people I love.  I raced through childhood, adolescence, and college and have ended up in a place that, up untill recently, I considered limbo.  I do not have the full time career that is fabled to come with this magic piece of paper I paid tens of thousands of dollars for.  I'm still living in Cheyenne, which is not a place I've ever been particularly attached to.  The whole having-a-family thing is far out on the horizon and may not ever be something I care to pursue with much vigor.  I'm just kind of...being for awhile untill the life kicks in again. 

Or at least I was. 

I'm not quite sure when it happened exactly, but over the past week I've been feeling something akin to contentment with what I'm doing right now.  It's as if I'm okay with just this being my life and I know that that's wrong.  If someone told me that this was as far as I was going to get for the rest of my life, I would not be okay with that.  So, why am I okay with it right now?

I'm enjoying being contented, I just don't know that I'm okay with it happening under these circumstances.  And it's making me contemplate weird things.  Like, am I content because I need the feeling of being settled once in my life?  And if so, will I go back to my old ways once I am settled thereby making my feelings of anxiety and wanderlust worse?  Am I subconciously conning myself into being happy because I'm scared of what the future holds?  Will I flip out when an opportunity comes my way?  Will said flipping out cause me to screw up something I actually want?  Am I capable of liking someone anymore or do I just like being liked?  How often am I being misinterpreted when I say or do things and what kind of damage is it causing? 

Heavy, I know.  And after that mess, you might wonder if I actually am happy and yeah, I am.  At least for now.  I just am not sure why. 

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