23 May 2010


I miss photoshop.  And I was sick of my old layout, so I'll use this premade one untill I can get my computer to start cooperating with me.  

There are leaves everywhere inside this hall.  The wind outside is bordering on insane...  It's as if the poor state is clawing at any last remnants of winter.  It actually snowed about two weeks ago and there are still snow drifts in the hills and mountains.  We had sun and lovely temperatures for two days before Wyoming became distressed by it.  In regard to the wind, it's been a calm year so far; I'd begun to miss the famous mountain range wind I've been used to for the past nine years.  Well, in the poor state's confusion it kicked the wind back up again at gusts between 23 and 64 miles per hour creating the colder temperatures that are standard.  There are leaves everywhere.  

The wind keeps me up at night as well.  This combined with persistent night terrors, my inability to sleep in warm temperatures (my room is a sauna, you see), and inconsistent day schedule, and the mild insomnia associated with my medication is leaving me like a ghost wandering around.  I feel tired.  I understand that sleep would solve this problem, but it remains just out of my grasp.  It is elevating my anxiety as well.  I feel like I should be doing something more...I should at least be preparing to move on with the rest of my life as it comes hurtling at me, but this is one of the laziest summers I've had since secondary.  Instead of feeling relaxed it is driving me a little out of my mind.  

I'm writing in an attempt to still some of the thoughts that keep cropping up in my brain that I simply cannot sort at this time.  People have told me this past year that I seem calmer and more put together than I used to in years past, but I feel as though I'm slowly coming apart at the seams and the only thing I've accomplished is that I'm more adept at hiding it.  

I'm filling my days with new habits and hobbies...resolving to track my nutrition better, walking everyday, cleaning...I've books to read, music to learn...  Aaaaaahh.  I think I just hate summer.  What's odd is I've taken a path which, while I love it, is going to keep summer as nothing more than a lull in my calendar.  Maybe I'll appreciate the break more then and maybe it will be less of a break.  In fact, I'm sure I'll miss the freedom I had during the academic year in college. 

I'm going to stop talking now. 

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